No, it’s not my birthday. I know I usually pick up blogging for a day around my birthdays.
No, it's just a wave of nostalgia that's flooded my mind with words.
Words strong enough, for once, to force myself to sit and write them down.
I've been stuck lately. It's a weird, unpleasant feeling. I've heard of people talking about what it's like being in one, but I've never understood. I've never been stuck. At least, not this long, not this - weird.
But maybe finally sitting down and writing after years of dormancy is my way out. Starting with today's word-gush:
Thoughts of my previous self - my past self. Who I was then and who I am now.
It’s not a big change, unfortunately. Not enough of a difference as I would've liked to see in myself. But things have changed, nonetheless, I have changed - I can feel it. For better or for worse is yet to be decided.
Perhaps a lot more cynical, but more empathetic.
Less judgmental but more demanding.
Perhaps less trusting but still hopeful.
Less friends, but important ones.
Definitely more picky, but more realistic. (a painful combination, lemme tell ya)
Unapologetically myself but more aware.
Experienced more grief but also witnessed more miracles.
With some changes I'm more okay with than others. But it's not like I was asked permission.
You never are. That's life. There's hurt and pain and burdens you sob under until you can't anymore. But I've also realized how much depends on me. And as much as life is out of my control, I'm still in control of myself. I'm in control of my view on life, my feelings and their control over me.
And though it all, I'm more and more amazed and filled with more and more gratitude for my Lord's mercies and blessings.
I am truly nothing without Him. I would be lost, filled with bitter agendas. I would not have enough to sustain myself to even just be.
Wow, that was cathartic..
I'm glad you were able to get some relief writing this post. I'm also not sure if you're open to advice, but I'll share some thoughts. It's good that you are in control of yourself, that's always a good first step. The next step is harder; fully trusting Christ and letting Him control you. Now there's a lot of difficulty in that, but I won't go into the details because that would make this comment forever long. I will say that when you are fully able to commit yourself to Christ and let Him control you, then even the rest of your life seems more in control. That's not saying He won't send you from one end of the Earth to the other(like he did me), but even when He does, you'll always know there's a purpose. Whether that be you changing the world, or the world changing you (for the better, of course). Regardless, we know that Christ always knows where to lead you, He says Himself in John 14:6 "I am the way, the truth, and the life..." When you fully commit to Him then you can be certain of 3 things: 1) You will be going the right way, 2) You will know the Truth, 3) You will have life, eternal life.
ReplyDeleteHope this was encouraging. Either way, thank you for sharing, I will keep you in my prayers. May God bless you. (: